There

February 28, 2012 § Leave a comment

just wanting to disengage from stuff for a while – a long while – but without letting myself be under the impression that I will ever feel really young again, all that promising stuff, a change of scene isn’t going to do that it could actually be more work, more tiresome, more obvious that I have shrunk utterly, to four or five supposed skills and whatever outward evidence of  lifestyle can

back of my mind, sure it’s there, all those time he punched you words it’s impossible not to lug it around, you can settle it down in different ways, sure, but it’s in there; outcast, deformed, fat, dumb, it feels so real, so Realist,

hardly ever speaking, having little conversations with myself with little hand gestures sometimes, in the street, like a person with psychosis, people walk up behind you and see you doing it and it’s like, I sit here and I subtly alter my story since birth, every single day, alter it like wallpapering a patch over edges, it makes more edges.  Then I speak to mum, feeling a little better because we get on ok now but it’s there, always there, why, why, why did you

happening in real time, so it’s so avant-garde.  Yeah, like a circus.  Sometimes I can’t finish novels, I feel like I have read enough because I have understood the author in the first few pages.  I don’t need to know the events.  I can’t be bothered, ultimately, being limply mind fucked by a bloated icon.  Sometimes I think a book is just another duped man’s delusion, trying to capture cage all the birds, quick before I’m dead and the birds are still out there.  I have done the fucking.  There is a mind outside of the social world that others make,  the uncaged hypo thetical gender freak we hint

the only real relationship I have ever known.  And they kill you!  We all know that, but it’s some kind of embrace catching it in your throat, letting it part your lips and escape you into the dead world, there’s a blind there then – what do they call it?  A filter comes down.  Between you and the world.  It’s always there, it always does it, and my heart knows love I guess.  But I’m stopping it, totally, I did stop it but now totally, this time,  it’s just me and these red digits and my pounding unknown heart.  There

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